


alien

by orphan_account



Category: Body of Light (Duo), Drab Majesty (Band), Lebanon Hanover (Band), Selofan (Duo), She Past Away (Band), VR Sex (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Space, Multi, Satire, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-09-19 01:03:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20322514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: when larissa and volkan get into a fight, things spiral out of control and larissa hits him with a cactus.ordeb comes into the equation and makes things worst. ;)))





	1. always remain alien

**Author's Note:**

> just a joke, dont take any of it seriously

Larissa Iceglass and Volkan Caner have been together for 120 years. So, that makes them 150 years old and always remain alien.  
But one day, they get into a fight on their home planet Mercury and Larissa accidentally hits Volkan with a cactus due to anger.  
Volkan was left to cry on the floor with cactus injury.  
“How dare you question my turpitude, mein Ehermann-” she spoke softly, Volkan glances up at her with teary eyes. “Oh- Aşk, I knew this day would come- but we cannot be together anymore…” he proceeded to weep on the floor.  
His voice grew louder and louder, almost banshee-like, to the point it was heard from other planets.  
It was so loud that Deb Demure and Mona D the kings of Saturn heard him, then Deb texted Larissa on her iPhone. Because everyone was alien and could defy gravity and breathe any type of oxygen.  
Seconds later, Larissa heard a buzz in her pocket so she pulled out her iPhone and read:  
_‘Larissa, what the fuck is going on?!? I could hear Volkan screaming like a little bitch from five planets away!’_  
Larissa gasped, but immediately texted back.  
_‘Oh, Debbie! I was so angry with mein Ehermann that I hit him with a cactus from the ground, and now he’s dying…You got to help me, please! Come quick!”_  
Once Deb read this, he asked for the keys to his drabcopter from Mona—whose sitting right next to him—and then took off.  
As he was flying his chopper, he stuck his head out the window and yelled:  
“HEY, LOOK AT ME! I’M A PILOT IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM- YEAHHH!”  
Selofan heard this from Uranus and thought ‘ugh, not this fucker again!’ then continued reading.  
Meanwhile, Deb arrived shortly to Mercury and landed his majestychopper on the ground (a few feet away from Larissa and Volkan).  
But because gravity was being a bitch, the two lovebirds were sent back and when Deb got out; he started floating a few minutes until he farts because gravity is flatulophobic and lands on the ground.  
Thus, he hopped over to where the couple lay.  
“Girl, I have arrived-” declared the albino.  
Larissa smiled, hoping to get help from her blonde majesty.  
“Debbie, I’m so glad you came! Can you please help me revive Volkan with a substance- he is dying from cactus injury!” Larissa held the helpless Volkan in her arms.  
Deb raised an eyebrow and thought ‘Oh god, no. I can't. He accepted the ride with the exception of life.”  
“I’m sorry, Larissa but I can’t help you- you gotta put him out of his misery!” Deb pulled out his Drab Majesty branded gun then handed it to Larissa, who stood up with it in her hand and let Volkan fall against the crusty ground.  
“C’mon, you gotta do it because I gotta get back to Saturn! SpongeBob is on at 6; plus, I got a seminar I gotta go to with Mona in the morning and I don’t wanna be late-” Deb cooed with non-caring bastard syndrome.  
Larissa became teary, “B-But I can’t! Volkan was the man that gifted me the greatest dick on the planet!” Deb walked over to her, before patting her shoulder.  
Volkan couldn’t stop weeping because his wounds grew painfuller and painfuller.  
“Just do it!” he grabbed her arms, guiding the gun towards Volkan.  
Larissa wiped away the tears in her eyes and pulled the trigger. She shot Volkan 9 times in his dick and dropped the gun.  
Volkan took one last breath and muttered his last words, “Insanlar-” then died of trauma from the wounds and blood lost.  
Larissa fell to the ground, weeping for her ex-lover that had been with her for so many years.  
Deb on the other hand, sighed and asked Larissa if he could eat some sand on this planet (because he likes sand). Then Lebanon Iceglass replies a ‘yes’ after sobbing for hours. And so, Deb Majesty scoops up a bunch of sand then chews and swallows it. But it wasn’t sand; it was cocaine.  
Deb spit it out and said:  
“The fuck?!? This isn’t sand, you lying bitch!” then kicked the ground full of drugs; realizing it was not sand. He was also cranky because it's hot as fuck out here and the planet was the closest to the sun.  
Larissa didn’t seem to care, though.  
She continued to weep on the ground for the loss of her cosmic mate and buried her face into her palms.  
It was a radical day.


	2. totally alive

It’s been 5 and a half days since Larissa shot her lover Volkan point blank in his Turkish schlong. And Deb was sitting on his throne, minding his own business but Sin D (his hussy) walks into the room, wearing all leather.  
“Hi, Debbie! Happy Birthday!”  
“Oh, hi Sin- wait- what?!?”  
“I said; Happy Birthday! Because today is your birthday, baby!” She clarified, sitting on his lap.  
Deb raised an eyebrow, because he honestly dosen’t remember his Birthday but I guess for being 666 years old takes a toll. “Oh, really?!?”  
“Yeah- in fact, I got a huge surprise for you-“ Sin D said while pulling off her jacket, exposing her bare tits.  
Deb immediately opened his mouth and said:  
“Oh, fuck that’s hot- FUCK ME-“  
Sin D pulled down his white pants and whipped out his Drab Majesty dong, and then they fucked hard.  
So, after what seemed like years and years, the two sexliens carried on and fell against the bed of Deb’s mattress. Because somehow they ended up in his Majesty bedroom.  
Sin D was the first to say something:  
“So, since it’s your Birthday, babe- you could pretty much have a round two or a sandwich! Which one is it going to be?!?” She rested her elbow against the pillow while Deb thought about it.  
Deb leans closer to her face, then kisses her forehead with a heartwarming smile. Because he knows what it’s going to be and what he desires MOST in the world.  
“Sand-“ Sin D rolled her eyes, “wich...” and Deb smiles because he loves sand and if she could make it for him, he’ll NUT.  
“Oh god, no- fuck you!”  
“Okay, fine- if you don’t make me my sandwich then I won’t buy you that Gucci purse you’ve always wanted on planet Earth-”  
“ALRIGHT- I’ll make you your piss-sandwich!”  
“OH MY GOD, THANK YOU SO MUCH, SIN D~!!!!!”  
Sin D sighed before getting up to go make Deb his god damn mother fucking sandwich.  
Moments later, she comes back into the room with a Subway bun the size of a kitchen and hands it to Deb—who grins cheekily like a 5 year old kid—then nom noms to his sandwich happily full of sand.  
“Yum yum, I love you Sin D- nommm-“ Deb munches on the sand and bread at the same time.  
Sin D facepalms and mumbled:  
“Oh, fuck this guy-” then lies back down to rest while Drab Demure eats his whole sandwich in one setting.  
Meanwhile, back in Mercury, Larissa picks up the Volkan Past Away corpse and buries it 6 feet under until sand covered his entire body like a desert avalanche.  
But suddenly, she felt moving and shit coming from the ground.  
That was until she realized the Volkan corpse was coming to life so she ran away from it as fast as she could. But it was too late, Volkan had already risen from the grave and jumped up to grab her feet and now she was trapped.  
All the corpse said was ‘Ruh’ 666 times and Larissa found herself begging. Pleading for her ex-lover that is now a walking corpse to not kill or do any harm to her. The Volkan corpse complied, letting her lie down on the ground full of sand or drugs rather. Because earlier this week, they discovered it was cocaine.  
Undead and dickless Volkan said:  
“I must find the man who motivated you to kill me...” before walking off and heading to a nearby ship to fly to Saturn and kill Deb Demure who was responsible for this.  
Larissa started crying on the ground, “Oh- Volkan- don’t- it was my fault- I pulled t-the t-trigger and s-shot your dick off-“ before burying her face in the sand to weep again.


	3. totally tote

The next day, after revival, Volkan breached the doors to the Drab Majesty kingdom like swat and stepped through the fucked up doors making everyone scream.  
One of the villagers immediately alerted Deb Majesty and Mona Drab who was with Sin D at the moment.  
“Your majesty!” said the low-priestess named Alexander, who was also Mona's life partner.  
Deb replies while smooching Sin D, “Yeah- uh-huh?!?” and Mona turned to face his lover because he was just that alarmed.  
“Some walking corpse entered thy kingdom-“ he said running out.  
Deb immediately pushed Sin D off his lap and got up, pulling out his drabgun he had stashed up his pants (yes, in the crotch area). Mona got up as well and pulled out his ancient sword. Ready to fight whoever it was that was to invade their Drab kingdom and planet.  
Meanwhile, Sin D stepped aside and sat on Deb’s throne because she didn’t ask for this and was scared as shit.  
When Volkan arrived with his Soluk shotgun, he gazed at the two remaining fucks with pure disgruntlement and pointed the gun at Deb.  
And Deb pointed his own gun at him too while Mona pointed his sword, even though there was no reason to because it was just a sword and NOT a gun.  
Volkan declares:  
“Put the gun down-”  
“No, you put your fucking gun down-”  
“No- you-”  
“No- you, mother fucker- how dare you come into my kingdom- who do you think you are?!? Xerxes I?!? Put your fucking gun down or else I’ll shoot your dick off- just like what Larissa did to you!”  
Volkan glared, holding the rifle tightly. He then put his hand on the trigger and got ready to shoot Deb any second.  
Mona on the other hand, was fucking terrified and sweating like crazy because he knew there was no way of this.  
The two rivals glared intensely at each other, before one of them pulls the trigger before the other gets a chance to.  
Volkan managed to do it and Deb jolted back before realizing that Mona shielded him. Eventually taking the bullet in his chest and falling down on the floor, bleeding profusely.  
Sin D saw this and gasped, before texting Alexander and Andrew (who were Jarson bros):  
_‘OMG did u see what happened?’_  
Alexander cried and Andrew patted his shoulder.  
_‘Yeah, I saw everything from the hidden Drab vision! How could he do that to my man princess that I’ve been together with for so long!’_  
Sin D read this and ‘aww’ a couple of times before expressing her condolences.  
But after Deb sat on the ground, weeping with his dead step-brother. He got up and clenched his fist to extract revenge on Volkan, who was smirking down at him with murderous pleasure, then throwing the first punch and yelling:  
“I’m gonna fuck you up-” but Volkan deflected his moves and side kicked him in the nuts.  
Deb flew back and cried out in pain. As he tried his hardest to fight back, but it was no use. The Volkan corpse was too strong for his liking despite a height difference because Deb was 6’1 and Volkan was 5’5.  
Until, Selofan bursts into the room and said:  
“Hey, Volkan! I got bad news for you,” Volkan immediately turns his head and stops fighting.  
“Really?!? What?” she pulled out her vaporizing machine that was shaped like a rocket launcher but made out of chrome and shot it at him.  
Volkan screamed out in pain as his body was slowly fading away, but then he was sent into another dimension until the whole room lit up into a neon green. Kind of like a supernova, except without all of the CGI.  
But after the vaporization was done for, Volkan was no where to be seen and gone. Selofan walked over to the broken step-brotherhood and patted Deb’s shoulder, reassuring him that everything’s going to be okay:  
“No worries, I’ll bring him back to life-” she said, pulling out a crystal potion.  
Deb’s mouth flung wide open and all he could think about was how didn’t he not know that Selofan from Uranus had things to bring aliens back to life. Because aliens could still die from wounds, disease, explosions, long falls or drowning in water.  
“What the fuck! You had fucking potions to bring aliens back to life? Why didn’t you tell me?!?” he exclaimed.  
Selofan smiled before pouring large amounts of it on Mona’s corpse.  
“I didn’t have to tell you shit-” Deb narrowed his eyes and realized that they are not on talking terms. In other words, don’t get along but they kind of do now.  
As she finished, the body shined with sparkles and illuminating blue light and Mona’s corpse arose from the ground (at least 3 feet) and he was brought back to life.  
Mona coughed his lungs out and suddenly opened his eyes until the potion effect wore off, and he fell to the ground.  
Alexander briefly came into the room and Deb cringed because WHERE THE HELL WAS HE WHEN VOLKAN SHOT HIM AND LYING ON THE GROUND DEAD. “Oh, baby! I’m so glad your okay?!? I thought I’ve lost you-” said the villager, embracing Mona tightly and kissing him.  
“W-What h-happened?!?” he murmured.  
Deb replied, “Volkan was trying to kill me but you put yourself in front of the bullet and you died…” Mona’s eyes widen.  
“But luckily, Selofan came to the rescue and vaporized Volkan back _in a hotel (somewhere)_,” Deb briefly stops to look at you, because he broke the 4th wall on purpose. “Hi, readers! Sorry, I made you guys cry during our show in NYC!” but then he stopped talking to you and went back to explanation to Mona. “and then, Selofan brought you back to life with mysterious potions and shit!” Deb hugs Selofan, who smiles brightly and said her goodbyes to head back to Uranus.  
“Ohhh- okay-” Mona was relieved. He remembered the fight that took place, but didn’t know what happened after he was shot and killed.  
Sin D walked over to Deb and clings to him, while Alexander does the same to a rather exhausted Mona and the couples start making out for celebration.  
Through it all, Larissa was the one to thank because Selofan briefly told Deb that Larissa sent her to help protect them and Deb couldn’t be more happier to know that his cosmic friend helped out a lot.  
So, him and the rest of Drab Majesty lived happily ever after.


	4. affet affet! (BONUS CHAPTER)

Meanwhile—in a prison-hotel somewhere and alternate universe—Volkan was sitting on his bed, trying to watch TV. But he couldn’t because there was no reception and every single channeled he turned to, was either static or green screen.  
He threw the remote on the floor and laid back to cry:  
“Ohh- L-Larissa- my Aşk- where are you?!?” he sobbed softly, because he knew was going to be here forever.  
That was until another fiend came into the room and told him that everything’s going to be okay.  
Volkan slowly opened his eyes and realized, who was this guy and why was he trying to sooth him?  
“I understand. But who are you?!?” said the formal Mercury fiend.  
The man smirked, “My name’s Idris Akbulut, erkek kardeş! It’s been a long time since we’ve crossed paths-” and Volkan immediately jumped off the bed and hugged him because… He found his long lost brother after 120 years of absence.  
“Oh, Idris- I’m sorry I deserted you for Larissa! Oh, please, Beni affet!” Volkan said, practically on his bended knee, begging for Idris to forgive him.  
Idris told him to get up and reassured:  
“No, no… Don’t worry, erkek kardeş! It was not you, it was her! You’ve done nothing wrong! Now, let’s go and seek vengeance!” Idris took him by the hand and led them out the oddly prison-hotel room.  
“But we can’t- we’re trapped here forever-” Volkan reminded, but Idris chuckled because unfortunately anyone can get out of here.  
“Oh, no worry! I’m a multi-verse traveller and expert… So, we can leave anytime…” Idris said, pulling out a small piece of gadget that can teleport them anywhere in the universe.  
He puts it on the floor and told Volkan to step on it with him as they hit a deserted hallway.  
“Idris, how can I ever repay you-” Volkan smiled.  
“Shh, no worries! This is my gift to you!” Idris entered the destination in which he wanted to go and soon, they teleported back to the original universe they were born in. And of course, they landed back on Mercury ready to redo everything. 


End file.
